Do I Feel to Sing the Song of Redeeming Love?

A little while ago I was having a conversation with a new friend. He knows very little about me, he does not know of my particular challenges, and I know very little about him. We are in the same ward and so he knows that I go to church every Sunday and that I at least appear to fulfill my calling. With those qualifications I would say that a person is active. He and I must not have been on the same page, because he asked me if I was active, apparently just going to church doesn't qualify someone as being active...I have to say I agree. It was a good question and I have been mulling it over in my mind for quite sometime.

I know that I have been fully active in the gospel of Christ at different points in my life. As of my last posting, I have been having somewhat of a difficult time. I have on occasion found myself at church feeling like such a hypocrite for being there. Let me clarify. I know that the gospel is true it is not that I doubt it at all, I do on occasion doubt myself though. When I sit there in church I sometimes feel so low for having the thoughts that I have. My last post is a good example of these. I feel like a hypocrite because I know that the gospel is true, I cannot doubt it, but at times I find myself wavering in my resolve as a disciple of Christ.

Alma 5:26 states, "And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?". In other words - are you active in the gospel? I can truly say that I have experienced a change of heart in my life, and I have undeniably "felt to sing the song of redeeming love" as Christ's Atonement has helped to cleanse my life. Can I say so now? I'm working on it, but I am more aware of where I am, and where I was. It is helpful to periodically stop and check where we are on the path towards our eternal destination, and when we find that we have strayed, as I so often do, take the necessary steps to get back to where we need to be. I have covenanted to stand as a witness of Christ and to be counted among His flock, that is my goal. May God bless us all that we may indeed allow the Atonement into our lives so that we can "[feel] to sing the song of redeeming love".

Faltering Footsteps

Well it's been a while...so much for my resolution to write more often. A lot has been going on inside my head as of late and I find it hard to decide what to write about. The last little bit I've felt the constant attack of the adversary as he slowly pulls me under the waves of confusion and doubt. Indeed I have felt as though I am watching myself drown. I have rarely felt so besieged as I do now. Why? I can only assume that it is because a little over a month ago I felt like I was at the top of my game, I was doing so well and had a lot of worthy goals set out before me. The adversary knew this and tried his hardest to get me to falter, and here I am stumbling along, trying to hold my head above water, I guess that's a point for him.

I know that God lives and He loves me, I know that Christ died and payed for my sins so that I would not have to, because I couldn't. He did for me what I could never, ever do for myself. I know that He is there with outstretched arms waiting for me to come to Him. I know this! I also know that right now, possibly more so than any other time I've felt, I want to turn the other way and find comfort in an other's arms. I want so desperately to have a loving relationship with another man. The conflict I feel is something I'm sure many of you can relate to. I just don't know if I'm strong enough. I feel like I'm only hanging on by a thread. But I also know that this thread is made of iron...I pray that it's strong enough.

Sorry for the lack of faith. I pray that the Lord will bless each of us in our faltering footsteps...me in particular.

a moment of clarity...and strength

Oh my goodness, it's been an incredibly long time...months really since I last wrote, and that's not really saying anything because I've only posted twice before. I know that in the past I've felt like I should only post when I had something profound to say, or had an incredible experience...well that is not the case. I have recently realized that if I am to get anything out of this, or if anyone else is going to get anything out of this humble, little blog then I simply need to write. It is in everyday life experiences that the Lord shows forth His miracles and helps up grow. If I neglect to recognize His hand, that supports me every day of my life, then I am perhaps a lost cause. I don't like that idea...so here is my renewed conviction to share my thoughts and experiences and how the Lord helps me and the individual trials that I face.

I need to remember to stop and read what I have written...life is beautiful. For the past while I have forgotten this. I have been struggling a lot lately. I have been very down, and very depressed and completely overwhelmed. I was letting Satan tell me that I could never escape my struggles, and while I refused to give in, I was still listening and I believed the lies that he continually fed me..."you cannot be happy, you cannot be happy." I withdrew from almost everyone and I felt so incredibly alone. I did not forget the Lord, in fact I prayed everyday, multiple times each day, just for the strength to make it one more day, I yearned for the night to come just so I could go to sleep and then when I would awake in the mornings I would groan within for the fact that I must endure another day. The Lord helped me hobble along. Finally, one night as I was studying my scriptures I felt the Spirit come over me and I felt peace in the words of the Lord. I knew in that moment that I was being deceived, that Satan had me bound in his web of lies and that this was not where the Lord wanted me to be. He wanted and wants always for me to be happy. I realized that I was letting me drag me down, and that with the help of the Lord, I could lift myself up. Now please do NOT misunderstand, I know that I can do nothing of myself, but as it says in Alma 26:11-12 ..."I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my own strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in His strength I can do all things..." I know this statement to be true.

After reading the scriptures that night I decided that I wanted to always have the peace that had come in that moment. I decided to act, not simply be acted upon, or to be a victim of my circumstance. I couldn't really change the factors that we contributing to my depression and anxiety, but I could change me. I enlisted the Lord's help to not only get me through the day, but to help me take the day and to live it, to love it. He has blessed me so very much in the past week and I am continually grateful for an all knowing Father in Heaven that has my best interest at heart...even when I do not.

Just Saying Thanks

I find that when we least expect it, but perhaps when we most need it, the Lord sees fit to gently remind us that He is in charge and He has not forgotten us. I have been richly blessed as of late, or maybe it's just that I am recognizing the hand of the Lord a little better for the moment.

There is so much that I have to be grateful for, I planned on writing about all of the many, many tender mercies I have received, but I think that there are simply far too many for me to mention. Please don't take this as boasting, but as humble gratitude to a loving Heavenly Father. Perhaps instead I could help explain how I feel with the lyrics to the song that inspired the title for this little blog, "Life is Beautiful" by Vega 4 the chorus goes:

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it. We don't need to understand,
there are miracles, miracles.
Yeah, life is beautiful.

This is how I feel much of the time. I don't understand why I am attracted to other men, when it can never really bring me happiness, but I don't need to understand. Life is beautiful and there are miracles all around us, in our own lives everyday. I do understand that though I have days, sometimes weeks or months when I feel like I barely make it, I have a loving Heavenly Father that knows why I am that way I am, and if I endure well, not simply endure, but endure well and find the beauty in life that He has created for us, then someday I will be able to live as He lives in perfect happiness.

I know that He lives and He loves us! Our struggles are known to Him and He is there waiting to help us through them if we simply come to Him. I am so grateful for all of His tender mercies that help me through the times when I can barely make it.

Trusting in the Lord

Located near the head waters of the Nile river in Uganda there is a stretch of river that boasts fantastic whitewater rafting. In a days journey on the river one encounters beautiful scenery, fantastic animals, friendly villagers fishing or bathing, the dazzling sun...and of course many, many rapids. This particular stretch of river boasts rapids ranging the full spectrum of difficulty; at times requiring a great amount of skill to navigate through the hazardous and potentially deadly turns of the river.

One would be foolish indeed to traverse the river without the necessary equipment and experienced guides showing the way. A life jacket is crucial if you hope to survive the adventurous, though potentially lethal rage of the river. At the beginning, the river is fairly calm, with small rapids to give a hint of what is to come. Often swimming is enjoyed as the floaters cast away their precious oars and enjoy the moment. Soon, though, the river picks up speed and greater rapids are encountered at times taking the unsuspecting passengers by surprise at the incredible power the river possesses. The guides,ever watchful, give warning for what is to come and help the passengers prepare as best as they are able. With the skill and fore knowledge of the guides the passengers make it through the tumultuous waves, perhaps a little battered and bruised, but anxiously awaiting the next "big one". Now having learned from experience the passengers heed the directions of the guides, responding faster than before when new directives are given, knowing that if they are not followed the consequences can be severe.

The wild trip down the river is broken up by intermittent stretches of calm, where precious life jackets are taken off, even though the rafters know without them, the chances of surviving the dangerous rapids are considerably lessened. More rapids come and hastily, life jackets are thrown back on and quickly buckled, the river's intensity increases as the rafters gain experience. As the extraordinary day of rafting draws nearer to a close the guides speak of one final rapid...a series of rapids rather, appropriately named "the bad place". This series of rapids is ranked 5 on the scale of difficulty, with category 6 rapids being unnavigable. The danger is extraordinary, as well as the opportunity to finally prove oneself as having been thoroughly tested and coming through victorious. As "the bad place" approaches the experienced and knowing guides give careful directions. These careful directions seem outrages and absurd to the less experience floaters. Floaters are told not to hold on to the raft (being contrary to all previous directions), to if possible try and hold onto their oars, but if necessary let them be carried away. The floaters are not to try and navigate the raft through the monstrous waves in the raft, but are told to abandon the very device that has carried them safely through the previous obstacles. The one command that is to be heeded above all else is to trust in the precious life jacket securely fastened and tightened. This life saving device will work only, though if the floaters do not fight it.

You see there is no way to go into "the bad place" and not be violently thrown from the raft, oars are often lost and the group is usually separated for a time as they are flung into the raging river and submerged under the massive waves ranging from 10 to 15 feet. Speaking from personal experience it seems that there is no hope, and that truly all will be lost. The waves throw you under and it seems as though you will surely drown. However, remembering the wise counsel of the experienced guides you must not try to swim up! Under the waves people have become disoriented and in hopes of finding freedom from the water have swum in the opposite direction, not trusting in their life jacket to deliver them from harms way, this has led to tragic results. However, trusting in the words of the guides with all of their knowledge and experience, and the precious vest strapped to your body, if you simply relax (again speaking from personal experience...I know that this is a truly terrifying thing to do!) and let the life preserver take control, it will deliver you from harms way, not free from pain or hurt...but free.

The vest floats no matter what and it will deliver us from our trials. Though it seems as if we are sure to perish and utterly alone in what must surely (as we so often think) be our watery grave we still have the life jacket, the precious instrument that has been a constant companion during both the easy and hard times. Sometimes we casually dismiss the jacket as a hindrance to fun during the calm stretches of the river, but hastily welcome it's saving power when unexpected rapids come our way.

So it is with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He has vowed to never leave us or forsake us! "Trust in Him at all times". "He only is my rock and my salvation: He is my defence; I shall not be moved" (Psalms 62: 5 & 8). For He has come to save us all (Luke 9: 56).

I know that with the issue of SSA (same sex attraction) it can seem, and perhaps often does, seem that we are alone...that no one understands. I KNOW that Christ does though. I too forget at times, and get caught up in myself, but I know that by putting my trust in Him I will be delivered from my trials. I also know that that day may not come in this life, but by following Christ and living a life centered on Him and His Atonement that the day will come. I also know that putting our complete trust in Him and "not swimming" as we so desperately want to do in the direction that we think will help us most is much easier said than done. However, it can be done...and indeed must be done, if we are to emerge from this life and these trials victorious.

I know He lives and that He will never forget us. As it says in Isaiah 49: 15-16 "...they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me." God bless each of us as we strive along this beautiful though difficult path of life, and struggle to understand what the "Master Guide" knows and understands.